hiiiii its me again.

remember i mentioned that i was grounded because of my acne issues? this time, i have subconjunctival haemorrhage!

yay

it turns out that i have a cyst on my sclera and i rubbed my eye a little too hard 2 weeks ago. a small red spot turned into Sharingan's eye.

so, 2 weeks of grounding and leaving for taiwan in 4 days time.

yay

i dont know if thats a sign of telling me not to work or to stay away from this epidemic that we are facing now.

yes we have the coronavirus. the entire singapore went berserk and cleared the supermarkets because DORSCON orange.

please la, its not zombie apocalypse. its not WW3. the govt is not locking down the city. life goes on, we are still going to work. as long as we leave home for work, the supermarkets will still function and you'll still get your necessities. dont deprive these items from people who need them more than you.

videos of idiots showing off there storeroom aka MINIMART, the amount of toilet paper they bought, those empty bread section...

fuck, stupidity has no cure. the virus isnt scary. your kiasu-ness and selfishness is scary.

all that negativity aside, we have a new family member, his name is Amex. not the american express company. this name just came into my head when i first met this little boy.

he is a congo african grey. nich and i love him so much.

ok i need to go back to my books again. life is tough. bye

hi, its me again. 

my health is not very good recently. acne keeps returning, hair keeps falling and yeast infection keeps recurring. 

what the hell is wrong with me right? 

seen so many doctors, tests done - allergic to the only antibiotic that could treat me. LOL

what kind of joke is that? 

meanwhile, hormones are raging all over the place. im not even sure if its the hormones' fault for causing so many inconveniences in my life. 

2 more months before i know if i will be recontracted with the company. i cant wait to stop flying and recuperate. sometimes i even wondered if i had the big awful C. (TBAC). haha.. 

talking about TBAC, my godmama was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer earlier this year. we have no idea which stage she is in right now, but i am sure she is a fighter. doctors refused to operate on her due to high risk exposure. all i pray for now is for her to get well. it is not going to be easy. she is a fighter. 

pray for the family and especially Uncle B, it must be very tough for him... 

ok la, im going to bed. i am grounded, 24 hours of flying hours off my roster, lesser money. grounded why? acne lor. fk my life. 

ok bye

happy 2019! 3 more months to 2020, what have i acheieved so far? 

i got an acting cic role at work! i started this journey since sept 2018. it was helluva ride. so much hard work was put into this role. terrible rosters, did not get enough sleep, accumulated fatigue, etc. but, it was all worth it right? 

the real ass promotion exercise was happening again! of course, must apply right? i did! went through the computer tests, interviews and written tests again. again, so much effort and time were invested again. this time, i did not qualify. 

in fact, i got the results 3 days ago. none of us took it very well. how come?

it does not matter how many flying hours you put in, it does not matter how tired you are, it does not matter how much commitment you invested in this company, it does not matter how much your colleagues like you, it does not matter if your company likes you, it does not matter if you had disciplinary lapses. 

all that, do not matter when there is politics. 

some of reacted sadly, angrily, and amused. what have we not done enough for this company? 

i am sick and done. i am tired, im done with all the shitty rosters, im done with all middle of the night sleep disturbances. i just want to go back to the comfort zone and do the minimum. that is it for me, 

i also realised that i hardly had time for myself and my loved ones. i dozed off twice while watching tv series with nich. i was so damn tired. i felt so bad being so tired all the damn time. hell, i was so tired from work i did not even have the time and energy to study for the promotion test. 

i guess God wants me to have a different perspective of my job. why did i join the airline? because i want to put smiles on people's faces. yes, the promotion was there, but it isnt everything.

so done with shit. ok bye 

time

it is only healthy that i start writing, right? whenever i brood over that unhappiness, i have to talk about it, right? so here i am, starting to write.

this year has not been the greatest year. i was not the happiest. i was not even happy. i probably do not love myself enough to realise how much more i actually deserved.

i know i will never be able to find someone who dotes me so much when we were alone. i know i will never be able to find someone who cares about my hunger. i know it sounds cliche, but its all the truths that i am happy to admit.

time will tell..

to the most heartbroken me

it has been 8 months. i thought i was ok. why do those flashbacks still come back to me?

i lost milkshake 8 months ago. there is a story behind it. no, i did not kill milkshake. someone else did. someone killed milkshake with her words.

what made me even upset is, they probably carried on with their lives, business as usual, while i wallow in this pitiful state which no one would ever empathise.

tears have been shed. in fact, buckets of angry tears. i dont even know what to feel now. its going to take months, or even years for me to get it over.

what is family? love does not kill. they probably wont know this pain anyways.

i fucking hate this depression................................. someone just take me away.

nothing is easy

nothing seems easy. its been 2 years, we are not the happiest. i dont think i can do it anymore.

happy pills

drifted