hi, its me again. 

my health is not very good recently. acne keeps returning, hair keeps falling and yeast infection keeps recurring. 

what the hell is wrong with me right? 

seen so many doctors, tests done - allergic to the only antibiotic that could treat me. LOL

what kind of joke is that? 

meanwhile, hormones are raging all over the place. im not even sure if its the hormones' fault for causing so many inconveniences in my life. 

2 more months before i know if i will be recontracted with the company. i cant wait to stop flying and recuperate. sometimes i even wondered if i had the big awful C. (TBAC). haha.. 

talking about TBAC, my godmama was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer earlier this year. we have no idea which stage she is in right now, but i am sure she is a fighter. doctors refused to operate on her due to high risk exposure. all i pray for now is for her to get well. it is not going to be easy. she is a fighter. 

pray for the family and especially Uncle B, it must be very tough for him... 

ok la, im going to bed. i am grounded, 24 hours of flying hours off my roster, lesser money. grounded why? acne lor. fk my life. 

ok bye

happy 2019! 3 more months to 2020, what have i acheieved so far? 

i got an acting cic role at work! i started this journey since sept 2018. it was helluva ride. so much hard work was put into this role. terrible rosters, did not get enough sleep, accumulated fatigue, etc. but, it was all worth it right? 

the real ass promotion exercise was happening again! of course, must apply right? i did! went through the computer tests, interviews and written tests again. again, so much effort and time were invested again. this time, i did not qualify. 

in fact, i got the results 3 days ago. none of us took it very well. how come?

it does not matter how many flying hours you put in, it does not matter how tired you are, it does not matter how much commitment you invested in this company, it does not matter how much your colleagues like you, it does not matter if your company likes you, it does not matter if you had disciplinary lapses. 

all that, do not matter when there is politics. 

some of reacted sadly, angrily, and amused. what have we not done enough for this company? 

i am sick and done. i am tired, im done with all the shitty rosters, im done with all middle of the night sleep disturbances. i just want to go back to the comfort zone and do the minimum. that is it for me, 

i also realised that i hardly had time for myself and my loved ones. i dozed off twice while watching tv series with nich. i was so damn tired. i felt so bad being so tired all the damn time. hell, i was so tired from work i did not even have the time and energy to study for the promotion test. 

i guess God wants me to have a different perspective of my job. why did i join the airline? because i want to put smiles on people's faces. yes, the promotion was there, but it isnt everything.

so done with shit. ok bye 

time

it is only healthy that i start writing, right? whenever i brood over that unhappiness, i have to talk about it, right? so here i am, starting to write.

this year has not been the greatest year. i was not the happiest. i was not even happy. i probably do not love myself enough to realise how much more i actually deserved.

i know i will never be able to find someone who dotes me so much when we were alone. i know i will never be able to find someone who cares about my hunger. i know it sounds cliche, but its all the truths that i am happy to admit.

time will tell..

to the most heartbroken me

it has been 8 months. i thought i was ok. why do those flashbacks still come back to me?

i lost milkshake 8 months ago. there is a story behind it. no, i did not kill milkshake. someone else did. someone killed milkshake with her words.

what made me even upset is, they probably carried on with their lives, business as usual, while i wallow in this pitiful state which no one would ever empathise.

tears have been shed. in fact, buckets of angry tears. i dont even know what to feel now. its going to take months, or even years for me to get it over.

what is family? love does not kill. they probably wont know this pain anyways.

i fucking hate this depression................................. someone just take me away.

nothing is easy

nothing seems easy. its been 2 years, we are not the happiest. i dont think i can do it anymore.

happy pills

drifted

i thought i was ok

i thought i was ok. 1 week on, i had a good break. just got to know someone got milkshake-d too. i broke down again.

i thought i was ok.

how does it feel like losing a milkshake? sad and angry. sad that i was not able to milkshake it to the world. angry because i lost it completely, it was beyond my control. i am angry because i was not able to do anything to save it.

there was nothing i could do. NOTHING.

i thought i was ok.

i thought desserts, shopping, friends and families could get my shit together, no, they didnt. i thought i was ok.

second concern is, how am i going to work like this? how am i supposed to face milkshakes from all over the world and still smile like i still have mine?

fuck, i thought i was ok.

one week on, i need more days..