happy 2019! 3 more months to 2020, what have i acheieved so far? 

i got an acting cic role at work! i started this journey since sept 2018. it was helluva ride. so much hard work was put into this role. terrible rosters, did not get enough sleep, accumulated fatigue, etc. but, it was all worth it right? 

the real ass promotion exercise was happening again! of course, must apply right? i did! went through the computer tests, interviews and written tests again. again, so much effort and time were invested again. this time, i did not qualify. 

in fact, i got the results 3 days ago. none of us took it very well. how come?

it does not matter how many flying hours you put in, it does not matter how tired you are, it does not matter how much commitment you invested in this company, it does not matter how much your colleagues like you, it does not matter if your company likes you, it does not matter if you had disciplinary lapses. 

all that, do not matter when there is politics. 

some of reacted sadly, angrily, and amused. what have we not done enough for this company? 

i am sick and done. i am tired, im done with all the shitty rosters, im done with all middle of the night sleep disturbances. i just want to go back to the comfort zone and do the minimum. that is it for me, 

i also realised that i hardly had time for myself and my loved ones. i dozed off twice while watching tv series with nich. i was so damn tired. i felt so bad being so tired all the damn time. hell, i was so tired from work i did not even have the time and energy to study for the promotion test. 

i guess God wants me to have a different perspective of my job. why did i join the airline? because i want to put smiles on people's faces. yes, the promotion was there, but it isnt everything.

so done with shit. ok bye 

time

it is only healthy that i start writing, right? whenever i brood over that unhappiness, i have to talk about it, right? so here i am, starting to write.

this year has not been the greatest year. i was not the happiest. i was not even happy. i probably do not love myself enough to realise how much more i actually deserved.

i know i will never be able to find someone who dotes me so much when we were alone. i know i will never be able to find someone who cares about my hunger. i know it sounds cliche, but its all the truths that i am happy to admit.

time will tell..

to the most heartbroken me

it has been 8 months. i thought i was ok. why do those flashbacks still come back to me?

i lost milkshake 8 months ago. there is a story behind it. no, i did not kill milkshake. someone else did. someone killed milkshake with her words.

what made me even upset is, they probably carried on with their lives, business as usual, while i wallow in this pitiful state which no one would ever empathise.

tears have been shed. in fact, buckets of angry tears. i dont even know what to feel now. its going to take months, or even years for me to get it over.

what is family? love does not kill. they probably wont know this pain anyways.

i fucking hate this depression................................. someone just take me away.

nothing is easy

nothing seems easy. its been 2 years, we are not the happiest. i dont think i can do it anymore.

happy pills

drifted

i thought i was ok

i thought i was ok. 1 week on, i had a good break. just got to know someone got milkshake-d too. i broke down again.

i thought i was ok.

how does it feel like losing a milkshake? sad and angry. sad that i was not able to milkshake it to the world. angry because i lost it completely, it was beyond my control. i am angry because i was not able to do anything to save it.

there was nothing i could do. NOTHING.

i thought i was ok.

i thought desserts, shopping, friends and families could get my shit together, no, they didnt. i thought i was ok.

second concern is, how am i going to work like this? how am i supposed to face milkshakes from all over the world and still smile like i still have mine?

fuck, i thought i was ok.

one week on, i need more days..

what am i doing

its 2 hours past midnight and i am still awake. insomnia from overnight flights always takes its toll on me. bad for health, bad for skin, bad for my brain, bad for everything.

as we welcome 2017 with open arms, there are many things that i need to consider. i am turning 28 this year. i am nearing my 30s. what should i be doing for my future? what are the available routes that is favourable to me? how should i execute all these plans?

honestly, i have no idea how long i am going to fly. its been 2 years, i am enjoying what i am doing. the smiles on my passengers' faces, the fun crews who spend 14 hours of gruelling long flights together, the awesome layovers etc. somethings telling me that i am not going to stop what i love doing. then again, is this something that i am going to stay on for life?

i have nothing to complain about except that rosters have been pretty hectic and there are crews who pretend to be "self employed". ended december with full load and minimum crew complements. nevertheless, the satisfaction after a busy and crazy flight never fails to keep me going.

this blog seems rather ded. ill do my best to keep it alive. whoever who still reads my blog, thank you for reading. i should be sleeping now. dog's grooming tomorrow and enzyme deliveries to be done asap.